Cheer me up, Derek Jeter's Taco Hole

I lost approximately 45 minutes of my life this afternoon that I would like back.

I was originally set to talk with Zachary James on KSTM-FM in Iowa for a weekly baseball segment, but we made the decision to delay the call so we could watch a press conference that the New York Yankees called involving Derek Jeter.

Jeter, if you didn't know, hasn't played yet this season as he's recovering from a broken leg that he suffered in the playoffs last year versus the Detroit Tigers. During his rehabilitation, Jeter apparently broke the same bone and that's obviously set back his return. 

But nothing particularly informative was revealed during the presser. We already knew Jeter's leg hadn't healed and that he might not play until after the All-Star break in mid-July. 

However, since the Yankees were going to the trouble of calling a press conference, speculation exploded on Twitter that maybe this was something more serious. Hey, what if Jeter was announcing his retirement? 

Except if that was the case, MLB Network would have broken its regular programming to show the presser. ESPN almost certainly would've found time between its NFL Draft coverage to cover the event. Since you had to really dig through your cable listings to find the press conference or go online to watch it, it was safe to assume that nothing momentous was being announced. 

Sure enough, Jeter just went out there to tell reporters and fans what they already knew. There was nothing else to add because Jeter didn't know when he would be back and made it pretty clear that he had no interest in sharing further thoughts on the matter with the media. 

That was really the only enjoyment of the press conference: Watching Jeter be bitchily coy with the press. "Well, I have an idea, but I'm not going to tell you." 

Had this been anyone but Jeter and any other team besides the Yankees, a press release would've been issued. But maybe the Yanks wanted to let everyone know that Jeter was actually alive and still looks great in a Yankees uniform, even if he has to walk in a boot right now. 

It was a total waste of time. I could've spent those 30 to 45 minutes playing with my sweet Little Niece. She's sick with a runny nose and fever and surely could've used some quality time with Uncle Ian. Instead, I watched Jeter snip at reporters on my laptop. 

The only thing that will make me feel better about this is to watch the "Derek Jeter Taco Hole" skit from Saturday Night Live in which he points at the camera every 40 seconds. I hope you really are cooking award-winning Mexican food these days, sir. 

Look at the star power in that skit, by the way. Will Ferrell, Maya Rudolph and Jimmy Fallon! Oh yeah — and Jeter.

"Chips, salsa and guaca-MOLE — Derek Jeter's Taco Hole!"

Say Hi to Your Mother For Me, Okay?

This is for Rob, who may have missed this on Saturday night. It's been kind of a running joke over the past year.

I'm pretty sure this is why I can never see The Lovely Bones. (Nor The Happening, which is making the rounds on HBO.) The whole time, I'd be thinking of Andy Samberg's version of Mark Wahlberg.

Rob, say hi to your mother for me, okay?

Maybe Mark Wahlberg can be on "What Up With That?" eventually (and try - but fail - to keep up with Jason Sudeikis's sweet dance moves.)

"Will You Kiss Me? I Like to Be Kissed When... "

After the debacle that was January Jones hosting Saturday Night Live (quite possibly the least funny episode ever), I was almost ready to give up on it for the season. Fortunately, I decided to give this past weekend's show a chance before calling it a night. The cold open - particularly Jenny Slade's shrill delivery - gave me reason enough to stick it out.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt's fabulously energetic opening monologue is also well worth your time, if you missed it. But "Will you kiss me? I like to be kissed when someone is doing sex to me!" made the night. Painfully funny, because it's so true.

It's too bad Fred Armisen has completely given up on trying to hone his imitation of Barack Obama, however.

Patrick Swayze at His Best

In honor of Patrick Swayze, who passed away today, it seems fitting to remember one of his best performances. Point Break was good, and I love Road House. (Love it.) But was Swayze ever better than when he was locked in battle with Chris Farley for the last spot with the Chippendales on Saturday Night Live?

Sure, the comedy of Farley gyrating and undulating to Loverboy is hilarious. But what really makes the skit is Swayze selling a guy who didn't realize what he was in for, who knows he can't keep up with what Farley is bringing to the stage. Loverboy's "Working For the Weekend" doesn't hurt either, of course.

(Obviously, the skit also carries a melancholy tone, now that both players are no longer with us.)

Rest in peace, Patrick Swayze. May you and Farley can revive this skit in the afterlife.

(This link probably has better video and sound, but it doesn't run the entire skit.)